Some words to remember, some notes on K and constable

".. All the accumulated scientific knowledge that humanity possesses is verifiable knowledge, and my proud heritage. And yet I have no sense of attachment to it. If tomorrow new evidence is found, which demands a change in the way I look at Nature, I shall have no trouble abandoning even my pet theories. This is intellectual humility, and in sharp contrast to what happens in theology. You are not permitted to question certain statements there. How stultifying that must be for the intellect. Such an approach can kill the spirit of free enquiry, and deny the pleasure of discovery. I am glad that I do not suffer from that terrible handicap..."
- from here

I am reminded of K, whom I admit made me feel insecure about religion. I was 24, out of university, without a job and not really secure with my views of religion. She was my age, brilliant at chemistry, a PhD offer from UMich., but instead chose to head out to Africa in the name of religious charity. Our discussions left me flustered and confused. Later on, when I started forming views, I would imagine strong comebacks by me. It took a long time before I could get her voice out of my head.

The other person incidentally, who made me insecure (and still does here and there) is constable. The topic here though is, funnily, science! Constable's got this habit of getting under the skin. Here's how it works - take a theory, any theory. He asks a few questions. He relates it to something he knows. Then, he either forms an opinion about it or makes an assumption about it, just like that, based on that limited knowledge. Then the next fifty questions arise from that mindset, they are aimed in such a way to give you full freedom to change that mindset. But..you have to see what the mindset is though. If not, you are screwed. His capacity for logic far outweighs yours so he's several steps ahead of you. In time you become really defensive, cause a) you fear you're missing something or b) you fear you don't know enough. It's easy sometimes, you just have to show him the way you think and he'll follow you easily. But here and there, a few dinners and beers have been ruined cause of this. I remember one biology discussion which still echoes with me, that I had to accede defeat, and worse yet, even side with him, all in pretend. And I've been wishing it comes back cause I've been adding to my repertoire. And then I realise how silly this all is.

Creativity is dead

So this is a random post.

Currently coding.

Also listening to BirdChillRock which is playing Glen Hansard singing a Dylan song. I say, is this just me? Or does the way your day goes have any connection to the quality of music Pandora plays for you on that day? I've noticed horrible selections on really bad days. Some might say the song is not bad, it's my projection of a bad day that makes it bad.

Well, at least creativity is not dead in all domains. I found a simple (hopefully right) solution to our transcription problem, it was nice and elegant, which pissed off Y who came up with this statement - 'my only problem is that this seems really simple'. WTF. But Y's prone to statements like that.

We had a huge debate today. He said something stupid along the line of he doesn't blog his poems cause he's old fashioned and thinks that writing and writers belong to the print world. Worse yet, he said he didn't want to associate himself with the characters out there who blogged silly stuff and passed them as poems and stories. Ha! Now , we can't let statements like that go off now ,can we? Especially when we know the real thing is out there.

At the end of it, I think some stuff I said (especially about spoken word) registered with him, but he seemed uneasy when he said - 'I don't know,man, it's hard for me to open up and change to thoughts like that, my biggest change so far was moving away from my home and living with roommates I didn't know', I knew it was time to give up. Y is Y, 23 or not, he's just going to take his own sweet time.

Anyway, back to coding. Why do I have so many packed days?

Old and New

At first there was the one.
The one that took many forms and many names
but nevertheless it was the one.
It belonged to the girl I fell in love with.
The book slut.
Someone once called her 'clueless'.
Someone once hurt her hard and deep,
that caused her to become guarded
with a thick armor that doubled up as a blanket.

I fell in love with her writing before I fell in love with her.

At first...the words were...indecipherable.
But then it grew on me.
Like a morning sunlight that paves its way across the front porch
through the windows through the living room
into my bedroom into my body.
I was penetrated
I was hooked.

Your poems, said I, should be made into songs.
Then she flirted with the band leader
And I made up my mind never to let her near bands again.

I was privileged, sometimes the only one
Always there, a read away.
Here the story came to life.
Here the first days were started.

And then the new one came.
I didn't really understand the reasoning behind the change
Or the makeover
What change?
I knew not then what I know now
If I ever to change what would I become
What is I? as they say in Jeopardy.
I am beyond time, beyond the flame of change.
The flame that lights out fading darkness and burns off in fading light.
I am beyond that
I am below the layers
And the layers of the onion are peeled away
one by one, two by two
three by three.

But here we were with a pretty picture of gazing eyes
where there was more than silence
and foolish?
And nomorefollowers
and windsfate
There was more, much more
There were stories, they were characters
Saira and Lily and the wife of a liar
Words in a place
belonging to a girl I am in love with.

I want to be her everything
Her good night kiss, her good morning smile.
I want to be all her phone calls during job tea breaks and whilst sipping whiskey
I want to be there for her, cause that's what am here for.
The long run..

That's right
You and me and the long run with our dreams and our hopes
Me with my idealism
You with your practical-ism.

My image of her is of her reading
But I have other images coming my way
Her writing her stories,
Her and I in Spain
Her as a mother.
We live in a world where we are junkies
Looking forward to the next thing
We are not here we are not now
At least not yet.

And now, I am denied this space
I live with the old one and its solace.
Misery loves company
If I am misery it becomes my company
If 'it' was about misery then I became the company
But in the words of S. Williams
'Somehow I can't stop thinking
Thinking
All the time thinking
What is she thinking?'
And...
What is she writing?

Things that happen

- you have a plan
- she goes along for a bit thinking she can convince you to change your mind
- she tries hard
- you try harder, you convince her to an extent.
- But what she says and how she says about her plans have an effect on you
- you think you're selfish ignoring her side
- you start wondering about your idealism, your prev. bad decisions and how the other usually makes sense
- you could tell the other - listen this thing is here. But she could flip out
- you could keep quiet but that's not being honest is it?
- you tell the other
- the other flips out cuz she just used to your plan in her head
- you are called a flip flopper
- you make the other seem unwanted, uncared and worthless
- you have to come to terms with all this new plan where you are alone
- you are the loser.
- and the other is tired from this shit.

What do the normal folk say - these things happen?