Being on one's own

When I was at Utah, I had this nasty habit of googling up people in science, hours on end. It could be anybody - from scientists in the likes of Chandrasekhar to faculty members or even other graduate students. I would go to their pages, their publications and even their hiking photos.  When I went for my first conference, I researched almost ALL the speakers. And this was a 5 day conference.  That's a lot of research! And the few that I talked to I pretended not knowing anything about them.  Of course when I came back I had a fresh list of people's names to go through. It didn't have to be my field, I would read about physics graduates, computer science faculty - anything.  

Then I heard my friend complain that her boyfriend (a fellow graduate) also does the same thing - spend countless hours going through research profiles.  Thus the notion that this might be a bad habit first entered my mind.  Now I realize that I did this even if I didn't understand whatever research I was reading.  In fact, I did this especially when I didn't understand the research! It wasn't about the science, it never was. It was about how to do science.  Being ignorant and insecure, I was trying to find out what these guys did in order to get what they were. 

When I first started at PNNL, I started with a clean slate since I was from an another field.  I didn't know who the big guns were, and I made a conscious effort (from just a feeling that it was unnecessary) to keep my stalking habits to a minimum of names. I had a great boss and mentor who with his direction made me feel secure about my work. I pleasently discovered that my group WERE the big guns and everywhere I went, my name tag opened doors.  I could start conversations easily with other scientists, big or small, and everyone was my equal.  There was no ego, it was just about the science. 

Later in my PhD, being in an academic environment with a nice advisor and a hitherto non-problematic research has spoilt me a bit.  My work is hard, yes, but I could always count on my advisor's help.  

I now sit at my desk at this BIG company for the first time on my own as an intern and it scares the shit out of me. No one here but a handful know me.  My work here wil have to speak for itself.  I know I have to hold my own. I just have no idea if I'm smart enough to do so. 

I spend a bunch of hours this morning looking up all the people I once could talk to without knowing who they were.