As before

Round Three..yes that's always worked for me. Right?

I didn't really mind round 2, but I needed to make it anonymous, so that I can be free. Does one ever get completely free?

Anyway, what's on the table today?

I love this woman. I don't want to ever disappoint her, and if she's ever upset because of me, I make me my personal punching bag. Not physically, of course, but you get what am saying.

I have ambitions, about teaching, about changing the world - one student at a time. I have ambitions about science too, about simple ones in taking it far enough. Am not foolish about the science one, I really don't have the brains to beat the bank, so the Nobel or any such prize-worthy grandeur discovery is out. I am creative, and if I follow my intuition just right enough, stuff seems to happen. The best part is I don't have an ego, which is rare in this criticism-based field. So I figure, I'll do ok here.

But teaching, ah yes. I had granduer plans but foolish ones. See, am caught between two cultures, an 'exile' aching to go back and deliver on change, not fully aware of the intricate workings of the system back home. In the past, I never held back on talking about it. In my mind, this was what I wanted and talking help keep the dream alive. The system to me, simply needed to be figured out smartly. I was sure I could do it.

Now I am not too sure. I feel like I have failed before I even started it.

But I can't really blame her. My track record isn't so good. I used to flip flop, used to expunge high ideals but of little practical value, though I work hard, there's not been that consistency. But that was before, before you. So, what if I fail? I drag down everyone else with me. She's been through that already and def doesnt need another dose. And I dont want to be that guy, the guy who doesnt deliver, like david seadaris' father, whose words don't mean much because promises and ideas are made just for self importance's sake.

Sometimes I wonder why it has to be extremes, why can't I enjoy teaching just for the sake of it? Like how I do science. That was how it was, initially, I really didnt care where I taught. Then the pull started to happen, since nov 26. And I see everyone one generation above worrying about their parents and wanting to be close to them. And I don't want to be them 20 years from now.

Anyway, she's right. If I am not careful, instead of being the real thing, I'll be the guy that never made it.

In the meantime, my present is slowly slipping away.

So how about we finish off the PhD. And do a good job on it.